Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Uncanny Truth about Motherhood- part 2 Miscarriages

A baby!! Yeah!! or were we?? When I was pregnant with booger #2, because of my diagnosed condition, PCOS, or Poly cystic ovarian syndrome, I was on medication to keep this pregnancy. But I had only been diagnosed with this, maybe five months before. So before this pregnancy I had gotten that positive test, I had known that I was pregnant, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, I miscarried. My first pregnancy was actually a miscarriage.
I did one of the stupidest things (lesson now learned) in my life. We were what??? 8 weeks pregnant. We told EVERYONE!! I was soo excited! I can’t remember now if I had gone in already and seen the heartbeat or if this was my first time. It’s all a blur to me now and I have probably blocked that part out of my memory because well, it was tragic for me. It will be tragic for anyone. I wouldn’t wish in on my worst enemy. I mean, I don’t have any,right??, but if I did, I would NEVER want anyone to go through with one. They are the worst. Period. I honestly can’t say that I have gone through any thing worse emotionally, then wanting a baby so bad, and then having a miscarriage.
Ok, so back to my happy self, going into the Dr. I was supposed to be 12 weeks along. Well, with a sonogram, the baby measured 9 weeks. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t hearing what the nurse was telling me. “Oh, so I am not a far as long as I thought I was.” That’s weird but, OK. There was no movement, there was no heartbeat. I don’t even know what she was telling me, again, it’s been blocked out. I do know that She said, you have two choices, You can wait for your body to naturally pass this, or you can have a DNC. A what?? I had no idea what that was?
No, you just missed the heartbeat, I was thinking it my head. My baby’s alive in there. God wants me to have a baby, he wants us to have a family, my baby is fine.

Nurse: “You can call and schedule the surgery or we can do it for you?”
Me:“What surgery?” (still I guess in denial/ not getting it)
Nurse: “The DNC.”
Me: "Oh, I don’t think I need, one, I’ll just wait.” Still stunned, shocked, I had no idea what she was telling me, and as I got into my crayon smelling car, I sat there and I guess it hit me. I started bawling. This was just not your typical cry, cry, oh poor me, This was hysterics, you know where you can’t breathe, snot’s coming out your nose crying. I guess I was understanding now. It was real.
I think I called DH first. I don’t remember. I told him that they said I needed surgery, but I wasn’t going to get it. Everything was going to be Ok. She just couldn’t find the heartbeat. I think I called my mom next. (meaning, I don’t know if I called second or first, but the call went similar to the one with my husband.) She asked if I needed her? How I was doing? What was I going to do? All ?’s that I had no idea what the answer was. All through the questions I think I just sat there numb.
What I do remember was coming home and my main booger talking with my mom and them scheduling the DNC for me the next day. Arrangements were being made for my mom and sister to come down and take me to the surgery, since DH was still in college at had to be at classes. At this point in my life, I had no idea what the mother/child bond was all about. I had no idea why my mother would drive 12 hours to just take me to the hospital and be with me for a few days. I had no idea what it was like to be a mother and see your child in so much pain. I know that I was glad that she did come. That they kept me company and made sure I was Ok. Back then, I thought it was a “nice gesture”. I had no idea what the heartstrings were, and that they were being tugged on by my mother. I was oblivious about this at that point in my life but I would soon come to know what my mom was feeling.
Miscarriages are not fun. They are not anticipated. But one thing I do know, is that once you have one, and others know about it, you start to hear that they do occur. That many other women experience them. You never hear of them before, or at least I hadn't, but once you have one, people come out of the woodwork, letting you know how they feel, and that everything will be alright.
I wish that I would have known before hand what one would entail, but maybe some things are better not known. Maybe some things, but for me, not these. You have to know that miscarriages are real. You may never experience one, I hope and pray that you don’t, but if you do. You WILL make it through! You will be happy again. You will probably get pregnant and have a baby someday, but in that moment, in that sad time, when they say “There is no heartbeat, or there's not fetal pool.” You feel like your world has crumbled.

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Trying to savor the little moments in our lives that make the memories.