Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Uncanny truths about Motherhood-VI

Hemorrhoids, heartburn, varicose veins, and stretch marks.

Check, check, check and oh yeah, check!! Lucky me, I got all of them. They sound great together don't they? Can you imagine, anybody willfully wanting or choosing these? Next time you go through McDonalds, order one or two, of these and throw the person totally out of whack. You'll get a good laugh. Ok, don't really, they might spit in your food,but can you imagine that us women go through this to bear children. Let's do a run down for these and I'll tell ya (guess) why you get them.
The first, because the baby is squooshing your insides, second because the baby is squooshing your insides, three, got a guess?? well kinda of, but more like, ok, squooshing your insides or pinching things so your circulations is all is a huffy mess and number four?? Yep you guessed it. The baby is squooshing your insides. It's gotta go somewhere, and out is the question. Some peoples skin is very elastic. Mine wasn't. So every little move he made, it made a track mark on the outside. Ok, not really but pretty much. None of these are any fun, but maybe you can ease them a little.
For beauty quality #1-
Keep fiber and fruits in your diet, so you are not ever pushing to hard when you use the bathroom. Breakfast cereals, prunes, plumes those kinds of things. Not bananas, they are more of a constipating fruit.
#2- Carry Tums around with you. They can be your saving grace. I don't think I'd ever had a Tums before in my life. I should've bought stock in that too! Something that eases the pain and makes it not so yucky in your mouth/throat. For some these work, if you have it really bad you may have to check into some prescribed that you can take.
#3- Wear the support hose. I fought it the first time. But I did this the second time around. I have just one vein, in the back of my leg, that likes to pop. With these hose, they helped keep it to a minimal and the second time around, I didn't get any spider veins along with them.
#4- You can't do anything for these, some try to say lotions or cremes and you can try it and keep your skin soft, and elasticy (is that a word even) but the truth is, they are hereditary. You're going to get them, or your not. That's what my doc said, and I LOVE Dr. D, so I'm going to believe everything that he says. ok? ok. End of story.


ZAC said...

Been there, done that----SO TRUE AND FUNNY. I SO NEED SUPPORT HOSE but I keep putting it off. Thanks for the heads up. I'm going to get a move on!

Team Carlson! said...

I haven't checked out your blog in forever!
You're crackin' me up woman!
You know, back when I was in to belly dancing, ancient belly dance tradition viewed stretch marks as symbols of selflessness, bravery and love and were proud of them.
I'm down with that.
I'm still pretty content to wear modest swim suits though.
But you know, I can't find anyone who's stoked on heartburn or hemmroids.

ToriNRob said...

So true! I love what Team Carlson had to say!

I haven't checked out your blog before...now I am going to start!

Bikmans said...


I haven't been on forever because we had out nieces here. I love all these posts. You're a great writer!

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Trying to savor the little moments in our lives that make the memories.